A question we often ask, especially at this season, when a loved one dies is WHY? This is a question from the BBM Facebook post on “Questions, Answers, Wisdom.” Those of us who have lost a spouse, parent, child, or anyone close to us often struggle with this question. Some even struggle with their relationship with God during the grieving process.
The question WHY cannot be fully answered. It comes back to our faith and trust in a providential God, who we know is truly gracious. The reality of going through these times is best described as going “...through the valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23).
Through my personal experience of the loss of my first wife, I learned the reality of “walking through the valley.” During this time in my life, a dear couple from my church gave me the book, “Though I Walk Through Valley” by a Southern evangelist named Vance Havner. He recounted his experience and shared how God led him through the valley. While we never get the answer “WHY” we can find hope and peace by knowing and meditating on God's presence.
The “Shadow of death” is often thought of as a reference to the transition into glory; however, it can also be applied as a “shadow” that the death of a loved one casts onto those who remain. The great truth is that we do not need to fear, but remember God is our source of strength “for HE is with me.”
So, while there is no clear answer to the “WHY” we can learn a few things as we go through the “valley.” Following are some lessons I have learned from my personal experience, and my pastoral experience of how people go through the “valley.”
The “shadow” often begins with a storm cloud in the distance, which is when loved ones become sick and face life-threatening issues. Other times it comes like an expected thunderstorm. Either way, it is likely to become a dark shadow for an extended period of time.
Sometimes, a brief word of preparation carries profound meaning through the “valley.” When my wife was sick in a hospital bed I was still believing God would heal her, then one morning I got a call to come in. Shortly after coming into the room she went into a coma. Sometime later she woke, and with clarity looked at me and said her last words, “God's grace is sufficient for you” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Then immediately passed into the Lord's presence. These words revealed the truth I needed to keep focused on God when faced with the loss of a loved one.
The valley can be a lonely place. Remembering God's promise, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5) promises you that you are never alone. We may feel all alone but when we trust in God's promises we can find peace even in the loneliest of times.
Remember to be thankful for the blessings from the years with your loved one. Philippians 4 has been a constant word of guidance for myself and others I have ministered to, “if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. . . practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4:6-9).
God provides people and resources. The valley often can become a dark place where we might want to hide and mourn. Vance Havner's book gave me a waking call when he wrote about his experience and said, “I face the future for life must be lived, whatever is left of it. God would not have us sit with a corpse. God said to Joshua, “Moses, my servant is dead ...Now therefore arise, go over this Jordan” (Joshua 1:2). These words may be seen as harsh or cruel but are words that we may need to hear amid our grief.
Our source of help often comes through those God puts near us in the valley. Personally, those who came alongside me included many from my church and some who walked through the same valley.
Remember no matter how dark the valley God will provide light through His word, His Spirit, and His body (Church).
Allow God to use you in ministry to others going through the valley. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
A time of loss is often a time when we are drawn closer to the Lord. This of course requires our submission and trust in God's providence.
Finally, remember, “I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth” (Psalm 12:1-2).
I share these things as one who has walked through the "valley." My prayer and hope is that others will find the same "peace that passes all understanding."